Our first car is one I spotted yesterday, and here’s how I came to spot it. I decided to help out my sister and mow down a bunch of overgrowth at her old house as she preps it for sale, having now moved on to a bigger, better house. The area I was mowing is technically the neighbor’s property, but it abuts to the area behind my sister’s garage, and I figured that it would make her house more marketable if potential buyers didn’t have to look at that big, overgrown mess, and also, if those same house shoppers weren’t tipped off that the neighbor can be a bit of a slob when it comes to upkeep of their property. In their defense, it’s a hard area to mow, because the ground is mounded up all uneven and funny, and it’s a very steep hill up to the top where it smoothes out to the area between the garages.
So, my sister has a D R mower, which is like a lawnmower that consists of a giant weed whacker thing on the front that you wheel around. Apparently, one can also buy stump grinding attachments for it, but that’s not really important here. The point is that this mower has about 8 long, durable, plastic whiskers that spin around at high speeds and buzz off just about anything in their path.
I started up the machine and was making great progress mowing down some very tall and thick growth vegetation. All was going fast and great until I felt a sharp pain on my rear end, I thought maybe I’d come in contact with some thorny plant and dismissed it, but then I felt another one on my lower leg, then another on my back, one on my thigh, and another on my belly followed quickly by one on my left ankle. I looked down and saw a yellow jacket bee on my sock. It was at that point, I shut down the mower and turned around to face the mounded up, hilly area I’d just finished mowing over and saw a buzzing wall of very angry bees pouring forth from the very ground I’d just buzzed with the mower. An expletive or two was muttered before I felt yet another sting by my knee and I decided that I needed to make a run for it. Problem was, I was cornered in the area between the garages, and the only way out was the way I came in thanks to the neighbor’s fence blocking the other route. I’d have to run through the bee swarm. I did, and no doubt, I looked like a crazy person, flailing my arms and sprinting down the alley to get away from the bees. I managed to lose them pretty quickly, but had to go back to get the mower, which I’d abandoned in the area that was blockaded by the swarm of bees that now buzzed furiously around their mounded up underground nest that I had apparently mowed over. Thank God I’m not allergic to bee stings, but they sure did, and still do hurt.
I can understand why the bees would be upset with me, disrupting their rather substantial colony with the super weed whacker mower thing. Still, I’ve never come into contact with any kind of wildlife that seemed so incredibly vindictive. I mean, those bees had it in for me, and really, it was an honest mistake on my part. I was standing at a safe distance, kind of hiding behind my sister’s minivan, which I had borrowed to bring the mower to the house, waiting for the fury to die down so I could get the mower back when a nice guy named Antonio wandered down the ally, and I warned him to make a wide arc around that area due to the bees. He was fascinated, and told me that I ought to toss some gasoline on the primary area where the bees were gathering, because that would drive them away long enough to get my mower. I told him I’d rather not be responsible for a grass fire in addition to inciting a killer bee riot. He insisted that this is how one handles yellow jackets, because he had done it before. Well, I’d never dealt with a colony of yellow jacket bees before, so I finally yielded to his supposed expertise and tried it out with a cup of the gas I’d brought for the mower.
As it turns out, tossing a cup or two of gasoline on a colony of angry bees works…. to make them even more upset than they already are. Suddenly, they’re buzzing around faster than before, and more and more bees are emerging from the ground where I flung the gas. Antonio and I both hid behind the minivan and tried to come up with a better plan. I opened my sister’s garage and found an old plastic shower curtain that had Darth Vader on it (I assume this is something my brother in law found somewhere, because he collects Star Wars stuff, though I’m not sure why it was in their garage). I didn’t really care if the shower curtain was part of some collection. I needed it.
Initially, the plan was to drape myself in the curtain, run through the bee swarm, grab the mower, and high tail it out of there by running back through the swarm, shielded by the plastic Darth Vader shower curtain. Antonio was still in disbelief that his brilliant “dowse the bees with gas, that’ll make it better” plan had failed, and I was donning the shower curtain when suddenly, I had this vision of the bees buzzing up under the curtain with me, essentially ensuring multiple bee stings, and I scrapped the plan.
A little more scheming took place, during which time Antonio suggested I give the gasoline another try. I shot that down immediately, and before long, we had a new plan. I tossed the shower curtain over the ground where the bees were buzzing around by underground nest while Antonio sprinted over the curtain and the bees beneath it to grab the mower and run back down the hill, pulling it behind him. I then grabbed a corner of the Darth Vader shower curtain and ran around the alleyway, waving it around to shake the bees from it. I’m sure I looked completely ridiculous. Antonio helped me load the mower back into the minivan, and then, my somewhat ill-advised killer bee-fighting partner left as mysteriously as he’d arrived, sauntering off to a nearby house, and I drove back toward my sister’s new place defeated by a bunch of insects with anger management issues.
It was on my way back to the new house where I spotted another damsel in distress. This stripped out, and most certainly, stolen 1982 Cadillac Coupe Deville.
This is such a shame, and really, if angry bees are going to attack folks, why couldn’t they target car thieves? The person or people who stole this Cadillac and stripped it are far more deserving of bee stings than I or Antonio, if you ask me.
Just look at this! They took the driver’s seat and the passenger side door!
They also took the engine, which used to be a 4.1L V8 with 125HP and 190 lb ft of torque (I know it wasn’t the V6 because the thieves left the owner’s manual and paperwork, including some documents about the engine, in the car.
The thieves also took the license plates, the door sill plates, and the VIN plate off the car. When I called it in on the non-emergency line, I couldn’t give the operator any info to verify that it was a stolen vehicle other than to comment on the condition of the vehicle and its abandonment on a street where I’d never seen the car before. A couple hours later, it was gone, having been towed off to the impound lot, where, if they ever identify the vehicle and who its owner is, I’m sure it will be a complete loss for the person who rightfully should have this car.
So, from killer bees to a stolen car all in the span of about an hour? It was a rough day, and I was hurting from those bee stings. While Antonio was great help, you know who I really could have used some help from? Batman!
Yep, I said Batman. I know he was in town just a couple days ago…. After all, I spotted his car in the Haaf ramp earlier in the week. Seems like the economy has been kinda rough on old Bruce Wayne. His new ride is a far cry from the decked out, armored up weapons on wheels he usually has at his disposal. The new-used, scaled down Batmobile is a 2003 or so Mitsubishi Lancer OZ Rally edition. Check out that personalized plate -so much for secret identities, eh Mr. Wayne? Oh how the mighty have fallen!
Still, I betcha Batman could have handled those bees. Heck, his new bat mobile even looks like a bee, kind of. Even without the car, Batman could have made short work of the bees. He probably has a can of Raid on his bat belt.
I’d be willing to bet, also, that Batman would not have stood for some low-life, scumbag car thieves going around stealing old Coupe Devilles and stripping them out. Say that the car thieves had just jacked that Cadillac and were driving it away from the scene, would Batman be able to catch up with them in his batty little yellow Mitsi? Let’s see how they stack up against each other.
So, we know that the 1982 Cadillac is rear wheel drive, and has -or used to have- a 125 HP V8 engine. In comparison, the 2003 Mitsubishi Lancer OZ Rally edition has a 2.0L inline 4 cylinder with 120 HP and front wheel drive. That means the Cadillac has 5 more horsepower…. But before we give the win to the bad guys in the stolen caddy, keep in mind that the Mitsi only weighs 2,701 lbs, whereas the Cadillac’s 125 HP has to propel 3,783 lbs of car around. That’s over 1,000 lbs more than the Mitsi, and more than kills off any gain from those extra 5 HP.
Oh, but who looks better cruising around? Well, the Cadillac has it’s retro, slightly sleazy, pimp-like charms, and being a Cadillac, comes equipped with all kinds of crap that was considered fancy back in 1982. The Mitsi features the OZ rally package, which is primarily an appearance package featuring some interior trim, white faced gauges, some special alloy wheels and a body kit. There might be some minor adjustments to the suspension for a sportier feel, but otherwise, it’s pretty ho-hum….
Except that Batman has outfitted his Lancer with racing seats, and of course, the Batman logos. It would appear, though, that Batman must have backed into something at some point and had to do a repair to the Batmobitsi’s passenger side rear quarter. Money’s tight in Gotham City, and it looks like Batman hasn’t been able to swing a new paint job yet to cover that primer. In the meantime, the Joker has gone and left some graffiti on the car. Batman, you’ve gotta get on top of that issue. You can’t have the Joker messing with your car like that! I’d say it’s a toss up between the two vehicles in terms of who looks better, the crime fighter, or the criminals.
Yeah, I could have definitely used some assistance from Batman yesterday. In a pinch, though, some guy who wanders up and introduces himself as Antonio will do.
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