Viva La Clunker!

There’s always something interesting to see over on my side of town, and a late night jaunt provided some automotive fruit that was ripe (perhaps a bit overripe, even) for the picking.  You may remember a previous post about a black and orange Harley Davidson Edition Super Duty pickup whose owner said he couldn’t get away with anything while driving that rig -well, I bet he would have gotten away with even less if that truck had a big sign on the back that said “STOLEN”.  So, it’s not the vehicle itself that caught my eye.  Rather, it was this truck owner’s interesting take on a homemade theft deterrent that shot this truck to the top of the pile for today’s featured vehicle. 

What we have here is an early 1990’s model Chevy 1500/Silverado pickup truck.  We’ve talked about those before in a previous post that featured what was left of a stolen Chevy 1500 truck and a stolen ATM or two (methinks a pattern is starting to emerge with these trucks).   In fact, I still have the front fascia from that first 1500.  Today’s truck is pretty beat up and could probably use a new front fascia… I suppose I could offer to sell it to the owner of this rig -but it would probably get stolen after installation. 

What would reduce a truck owner to deface their own truck in such a way?  I’m willing to bet that at some point (or likely, multiple points) in its life, this truck was, in fact stolen -much like my sister’s Honda Civic and her in-law’s Honda Civic.  The local car thieves are not terribly sophisticated, so they pick the low hanging fruit.  The owner of this truck probably got sick of having to pay impound fees after the police recovered the truck and resorted to this to keep people from taking it in the first place.   Those fees can mount to hundreds of dollars, which is more than this truck is worth.  Really though, if you could see the rest of the truck, you’d understand that its “stolen” decal is not too much of a blemish compared to the mismatched body panels, the passenger side door that appears not to latch properly, the rust, and body damage that all contribute to this trucks overall “clunker” look.  I mean, this thing is just an oversized load of old washing machines, pilfered BBQ grills, swiped up bikes left carelessly in the yard by children, and old lawnmowers away from being scrapper truck material…  or just scrap material even without the load of metal, actually. 

But somebody still needs and uses this thing, and to that I say good for you, clunker truck owner.  There’s no shame in having an older machine or even a beater.  In fact, it’s damn liberating!  You don’t have to sweat it if you end up in the middle of a hail storm -who’s going to be able to tell the difference if there’s a few more dents and dings?  It doesn’t matter if some a-hole in the Cub parking lot lets their cart go sailing across the lot into your fender.  Door dings?  Just another dimple to add to the collection that’s already accumulated, I say!  Who gives a crap if you back into a tree or your own mailbox?  So you go over a bump and a chunk of rust falls off your truck -consider it a spare part you didn’t need anyway.  Driving along and feel a sudden urge to take part in a demolition derby?  You’re good to roll from the road into the arena, my friend!  The point is, a truck in this condition is one that the driver can beat the crap out of without having to feel guilty for wrecking the vehicle… This thing is held together not by nuts and bolts, but by rust and Bondo body putty -it’s already wrecked. 

Viva La Clunker!  

Oettinger VW GTI

I delayed posting today until after my 3 month follow up LASIK eye exam at 2pm in Edina because I figured I’d spot something interesting while in that neck of the woods.  Sure enough, as I was leaving, a black Ferrari went by in the opposite direction.  It’s probably not surprising that by the time I whipped a u-turn to catch up and take a photo, the Ferrari was long gone. 

I was kind of bummed out by losing that Ferrari, but as long as I had turned around and gone off route, I decided to stop by the Super Target to pick up some groceries for dinner.  To access that particular store, I had to traverse 3 mini roundabouts, which was easy enough, but really, really pointless.  Roundabouts, especially itty bitty Edina roundabouts are a trend that can’t expire soon enough if you ask me.  Half the people attempting to use them seemed confused as to proper roundabout etiquette (here‘s a hint for folks who need a clue -like the lady in front of me -don‘t stop in the roundabout because you see other vehicles going in your same direction nearby.. That defeats the purpose of the whole thing!), and the other half were frustrated that they couldn’t just go in a straight line and turn into the drive for the shop they wanted to use instead of orbiting some silly little circular planter thingy first. 

The Super Target had all the stuff I wanted, and I even picked up a new kind of gluten free flour to try out for my homemade egg noodles -they did not turn out well at all, unless you like your noodles to have the taste and texture of a mouthful of sand.  I’m not kidding; they were god-awful.  I‘d like to attribute this culinary failure the gluten free flour, but if I‘m really being honest, it probably had at least something to do with my cooking skills or lack thereof.  Then again, we can’t all be good at stuff… Take the check out guy at Target for example.  He bagged my groceries in a way that even I know is wrong, and I’ve never worked in a grocery store in my life.  The guy placed my eggs and plantains at the very bottom of the bag underneath the juice and flour I also bought.  I hadn’t planned on having scrambled eggs or mashed plantains, so after I paid for my groceries, I repacked them myself. 

I used to give my sister a hard time because she insisted on bagging her own groceries even at stores that have dedicated bag boys.  Her high school job was at a grocery store, and she’s really particular about how to pack stuff in the grocery bag, to the point that if I’m shopping with her, she won’t even let me help her.  Even when little clubs and groups have fund raisers in partnership with stores and bag groceries in exchange for a tip/donation to their cause, she’ll pay them to NOT touch her groceries just so she can pack them how she wants them.  After today’s Target experience, I can see why.  I would have been pretty angry if my eggs had squashed and dripped all over the trunk of my car. 

I was putting my groceries in my trunk, when suddenly, I spotted today’s little gem in the parking lot nearby.  It’s no Ferrari, but it’s still pretty cool.  I present a (2009-2013) VW GTI… but not just any GTI.  This is a GTI modified with Oettinger accessories.  Oettinger is a German tuning company that modifies Audis, VWs, Seats (a car brand not available in the US market) and Skodas (also not available in the US market).  The only place I’ve ever seen Oettinger stuff is at the SEMA aftermarket show -and even then, it wasn’t in person, but on the internet.  I don’t know if the owner of this VW ordered Oettinger stuff and had it shipped over and installed in the US or if they bought an Oettinger modified GTI and shipped it over, but either way, they’ve got a GTI that looks wicked cool, don’t you think? 

So, a base VW GTI has a 2.0L turbocharged 4 cylinder engine that cranks out a more-than-ample 200 HP and 207 lb ft of torque to propel what is a rather small and lightweight little car to begin with.  Oettinger offers two stages of tuning to soup up the base GTI.  Stage one bumps that 2.0L 4 cylinder by over 100 HP to a whopping 305 HP with 295 lb ft of torque.  Stage two takes that a step further with a larger intercooler and ram air intake paired with a special, high flow sport exhaust to 330 HP and 317 lb ft of torque. 

I have no idea what stage of modification this particular GTI represents, or if it’s just wearing the Oettinger body kit and decals but lacks the functional modifications that its appearance would suggest it has.  Given that I spotted it in a rather moneyed suburb where one is apt to share a parking lot with Bentleys, Ferraris and Maseratis, I‘d be willing to bet that its owner could afford to spring for the expense of equipping this GTI with the muscle to back up the look.  I mean, this thing is practically begging for a speeding ticket!  To my thinking, getting a glimpse at this little whip while I was leaving the parking lot makes up for losing the Ferrari, having to re-bag my groceries, and the crappy noodles I ended up making later on with those groceries.  Auf Wiedersehen, Oettinger GTI!              

The flatulantly fluorescent Civic

Today, we have a continuation of the fluorescent wheel trend that was highlighted (pun definitely intended) in a previous post that featured a Subaru wagon sporting bright orange rims.  Today’s specimen was observed in the Costco parking lot whilst I was on my way to pick up bulk quantities of dog food for my small herd of Great Danes.  Ironically, just one day before I saw this car, I bought my pup, Pavlov a new collar in fluorescent green (it lights up for nighttime walking even), so it seems this fluorescent trend is seeping into my own aesthetic preferences.  It’s okay for Pavlov; he can rock that look.  Check out his photo.  Even if you think he can’t pull it off, do you really want to disagree with a dog who has chompers like that?  However, if I ever start posting about plans to paint my own car’s rims fluorescent anything, please, somebody, stage an intervention for me.

What we have here is a 2002 (or so) Honda Civic coupe with chartreuse wheels (they are showing in the photo as a bit more yellow than green, but trust me, they’re a very vivid green in person).  Aside from the wheels and a sticker or two plastered on the car, the only modification I could see was the “fart pipe” exhaust that so many people like to slap onto little imports to make them sound tougher than they are. 

How tough is this Honda?  You may recall a much earlier post that involved a certain 1998 Honda Civic sedan I borrowed for a late night jaunt to fetch some car keys that had managed to abscond out of state.  That Civic featured a 1.6L 4 cylinder engine.  4 years later, and we’re looking at this Civic, which has a 1.7L 4 cylinder engine that makes 115 HP and 110 lb ft of torque.  That’s a 9 HP and 7 lb feet of torque gain over the 1.6L engine’s stats.  Still not much to brag about, but you know, adding that big silly exhaust tip at least makes the car sound like it’s got some power to it… and that’s certainly something the owner of this Honda is proud of.  You can’t see it too well in the photo, but the sticker on the passenger side of the rear bumper says something like “My Vtec goes Bwaaaaaah!”, which is true with a muffler like that. 

Ah, but what’s a Vtec?  All you know-it-alls who have this covered already, pipe down, because this is a learning experience for those not in the know.  By the time they’re done reading this, they’ll be enlightened and we can all bask in the glory of Variable Valve Timing.  In fact, Vtec is a system Honda developed (and lots of car makers use it) that improves performance and efficiency by electronically controlling and adjusting the intake and exhaust valves (the valves that let the car inhale air and exhale exhaust) to keep the engine breathing at optimal levels as the pistons pump up and down in the cylinders at various RPMs. 

If you’ve ever done Yoga, you know that it’s important when and how you inhale and exhale  to improve how you feel and what you get out of the time you’ve spent sitting around in yoga pants in a hot room where you know somebody nearby is going to inadvertently fart during one of those awkward poses they make you do.  Well, just as air comes in and air goes out (both ends, sometimes in yoga) the air and fuel that burst in little explosions to power your car has to get sucked in and pushed out too.  It’s best for all involved if this inhaling and exhaling is timed just right.  So, think of this little Honda with its fart pipe exhaust as the cutesy little gal in yoga class who knows how to control her breathing like the instructor says to do, but comes to class with a case of the vapors.  Just try not to be down wind from her during folded leaf pose.

The Nissan GT-R: A Dedication

Today’s post is dedicated to a fellow Minnesotan from Lakeland, MN who died on Monday at the age of 18.  He’s known pretty well on the web for his song Clouds, and his story of living life to the fullest in the face of osteocarcoma.  If you google “My Last Days: Meet Zach Sobiech”, you can see a short documentary about him.

The reason I’m dedicating today’s post to him is because he was a fellow car enthusiast.  The kid was in love with today’s car, the Nissan GT-R.  If you watch the documentary, you’ll see him first driving one in an Xbox game, then getting to drive one in real life too.  Today’s image comes from that game, Forza Motorsport 4 (though he may have been playing Forza Motorsport Horizon -I couldn’t tell from what I saw in the documentary)… anyway it’s my absolute favorite Xbox game, and it goes to show that Zach had great taste in games and in cars. 

Without further adieu, the Nissan GT-R: This car started off life as a model called the Nissan Skyline years ago.  Those were never really offered in the US market, but you can occasionally see one or two around.  The GT-R is a Japanese supercar that hit the market in 2007 with a super price point to go with it.  Rather than starting out at a quarter of a million dollars like many of the other supercars in this world, a new Nissan GT-R can be bought for right around $100,000.  It’s unlikely that you’ll find that kind of change by rummaging through the couch cushions, but in relative, supercar terms, that’s cheap. 

The GT-R speaks of its cultural roots by basing its lines and design on Gundam style robots.  Gundam is a Japanese anime (cartoon) series that features giant robots (think Voltron, but cooler and with more intricate plots).  It’s very much a techie looking automobile, and in fact, the creators of another video game, Gran Turismo, played a role in its design.   The GT-R is a great looking little monster that you could drive right into a video game like Forza or Gran Turismo and hold your own just fine. 

Powered by a 3.8L twin turboV6, the GT-R can rocket its lightweight self down the road with 545 HP and an AWD system that can send all of its torque to the rear wheels or half of it up front when needed for handling.  Having AWD also means that, should one choose to do so, one could take the Nissan GT-R out for a spin in the winter wonderland of Minnesota in the midst of winter and go about their business with confidence (provided it doesn’t bottom out and get hung up on big snow drifts, that is). The transmission is a 6 speed with a sequential dual clutch, which shifts faster than any person could, so there is no clutch pedal, you just shift and it goes.  All this rides on a computerized suspension that gives you 3 modes of driving to choose from depending on how you’re planning to use the beast that day…  And when the fun is over and you need to stop, the GT-R can rev down and come to a halt thanks to Brembo brakes that feature big, drilled rotors to help dissipate heat.      

Zach picked an awesome car for his favorite, and I’m glad he got to drive one for real in the documentary… I’m also glad to see that kids like him are still into cars.  Sometimes, it seems like more and more, people see cars as devices or appliances; overlooking all the work and design, effort and heart that people pour into developing and making automobiles.  It was heartening to see a young person who recognized and appreciated the beauty of automobiles the way he did.  I didn’t know Zach personally, but the world has become a very small place through the Web, which is how I first learned of him.  Using that same tool, he inspired a lot of people in a lot of ways.  It‘s heartbreaking to see somebody so young and so good-natured have to leave this world so soon, but he left a legacy, a small part of which was his love of cars.  While it’s not much, I dedicate my virtual Forza Motorsport GT-R to his memory.

Somebody avenge this Avenger, please!

Yesterday marked two years since a Tornado swept through North Minneapolis and dropped a tree on my house.  This means that as of today, I could make another claim on my homeowner’s insurance without having to worry about my insurance company dropping me -at least according to a letter they sent out to me shortly after I filed my claim two years ago saying that if I had another claim within 24 months, I was toast.  It seemed odd to me at the time, because I had never made any type of claim on my insurance before that tornado, yet there I was, holding a letter threatening to drop me from my policy.  I talked to my agent about it, and she assured me that it was just a form letter that my insurance company sends out to everybody just to make sure that their customer base feels alienated and unhappy at all times, apparently. 

On to today’s car, which, if it was insured for more than just liability coverage, was probably totaled by its insurance company after that same tornado.  This photo is of a demolished Dodge Avenger that I spotted two years ago today, when I went out with the volunteer clean up crews the day after the tornado to help clear some of the devastation.

An Avenger is one who takes vengeance or exacts revenge.  Vengeance is defined by the dictionary app on my Ipad as the “infliction of injury, harm, humiliation, or the like, on a person by another who has been harmed by that person.”  It’s a pretty tough sounding name for a car that doesn’t look like it’s in any kind of shape to take out revenge upon the tree that smooshed it… Unless looking damaged and forlorn on the side of the road counts as vengeance.  Of course, some people say the best revenge is a life well lived.  That won’t work either, it seems, because as automotive lives go, this Avenger will be living out its time in a scrap yard, and was probably crushed into a little cube of metal over a year ago. 

This Avenger was of the generation of Dodge Avengers that were produced and sold from 1995-2000.  Sold only as coupes, they were available with a 2.0L in line 4 cylinder that made 140 HP and 130 lb ft of torque, or a 2.5L V6 that made 155 HP and 161 lb ft of torque.  I’ve never driven an Avenger, but I have driven an early 2000’s model Dodge Stratus R/T coupe with a turbo charged 2.4L 4 cylinder, which is a later incarnation of the Dodge Avenger.  It was one that was taken in on trade back when I was in the car business, and it came in with the clutch all mucked up and needing to be replaced as a result of being owned by some kid who didn’t know how to handle a manual transmission.  It seems like these cars just can’t catch a break no matter what they call themselves.

I’ve only known one person who owned a Dodge Avenger of this generation, and that was my sister’s freshman year college roommate; a sorority girl whose folks bought her a brand new Avenger for high school graduation back in ‘95, in red just like this smooshed one, even.  That car didn’t have a very good life either. 

I recall my sister telling me of a time when her roommate had gotten herself extremely intoxicated at a frat party, where she had managed to be standing in just the wrong place under the balcony from which several fraternity boys were urinating onto the ground (and the sorority girl) below.  Soaked in nasty frat boy pee, and too drunk to stumble back to the dorms on her own, she ended up calling my sister to give her a ride.  My sister, who didn’t have a car at college with her then, dutifully drove out in the shiny new red Avenger to rescue her drunken roommate. 

Because it wasn’t bad enough to transfer frat boy urine onto the upholstery of her new car, the roommate proceeded to be sick all over the interior, as well as the exterior of the passenger side door after she figured out how to roll down the window and stick her head out instead of vomiting on the dashboard and floor.  It was a disgusting mess, to be sure, and one that my sister, who had already been woken from her sleep at an ungodly hour of the morning to go and fetch her drunken roommate, felt no obligation to clean up.  So, the car was parked and sat for some time with festering sorority girl spew and frat boy liquid waste all over inside until the roommate got around to airing it out and having it cleaned. 

Who knows?  Maybe this is the very same red Avenger that my sister’s college roommate had.  If that’s the case, one has to wonder what type of horrible karma this Avenger must have built up in a previous life to have to deal with sorority girl vomit, frat boy urine, Northside street parking, and tornado tree crushing in this life.  Perhaps incarnation as a Dodge Avenger is punishment in and of itself, like the automotive fates exacting their own revenge on a truly horrible car, like a Yugo by recycling it into an Avenger.  The irony of name would just sting that much more. 

Run, Corrado, Run!

Today’s car was spotted while I was venturing into my sister’s new neck of the woods to help her paint the gargantuan house she bought that I like to refer to as the Gatsby Mansion (25 gallons of interior primer into the project, and we still have to do the 3rd floor and the basement -yikes!).  Low and behold, what should I see but a Volkswagen Corrado sitting in a driveway just blocks from her house.  It seemed like an appropriate car to feature today following yesterday’s VW/Porsche Car On A Stick.

The Corrado is a really captivating compact front wheel drive sport coupe that VW offered for sale in the US in the early 1990’s (1990-1994) with a 3 door hatch configuration.  Europeans had the Corrado years before they were offered in the states, and for a year after the Corrado left the US market.  The base price in the US for a Corrado was right around $18,000, which was a decent chunk of change for a little hatchback in 1990, and could swell to thousands over that depending on engine and feature options.  But you did get something for your money.  In addition to being an aesthetic darling with its stocky yet sporty style, the Corrado offered a decent bit of power for its size and handled fantastically for a front wheel drive car.  On top of that, there were little bonuses like a power rear spoiler that automatically raises up at 45 MPH to help hold the rear end to the road (which doesn’t totally seem necessary on a FRONT wheel drive car, but it’s neat anyway).

  Like the Porsche 914 discussed yesterday, the Corrado was originally dreamt up as a replacement to the Porsche 944, but instead of swinging in Porsche’s direction, this time, it came out wearing VW badges. You could get one with a 5 speed manual or a 4 speed automatic transmission and with engines offered during the course of its production that ranged from a 1.8L inline 4 cylinder that made 115 HP, to a supercharged version of that same engine that made 158 HP, to a 2.9L V6 that pumped out 178 HP (more than that, even if you got the European version). 

The Corrado gets its name from the Spanish verb, “correr”, which means “to run”, and it replaced another lovely little VW called the Scirocco , whose name is derived from the greek word “sirokos“ which is a name of winds that originate in the Sahara and blow into the Mediterranean, sometimes with hurricane speeds.  Scirocco sounds a little cooler than Corrado to me, but if the choice is between a car that runs and a car that blows, I’ll go for the Corrado.

Back in its day, the Corrado was lauded as a car with phenomenal handling.  It was a desirable vehicle due to that and its added practicality of the hatchback and 2+2 seating arrangement.   The more powerful VR6 model (the V6 with 178 HP was the one to get, as it provided the most power while still keeping the car light and handling well.

Alas, the Corrado never hit struck the right chord in the US market, and elsewhere too, eventually.  Car buyers in the US differ in their wants and needs from car buyers in Europe, because the driving experience differs so much.  Rather than having a car that focuses on narrow passes, winding roadways, hills and valleys, cars in the US tend to focus their aim on the vast arteries of Interstate highways and wide open spaces with room to roam, without needing to zip about energetically and with spirited agility.  Think of the difference like boxers in a ring.  In general, the Euro car tends to be the little fighter who bobs and weaves, dancing around and wearing down his opponent, whereas the American car tends toward being a big ol’ bruiser, light on the footwork, but heavy on the brute force, who is more likely to stride right up and knock the opponent out with one powerful punch.

The spirit of both designs have their merits and their places in this world of streets and roadways to travel.  The Corrado was a muscular, fleet-footed little fighter, ready to take on the brutes and bullies of the US roadways, but between a price point that was a bit off-putting, and being kind of in a class of its own, it never quite found a niche that was big enough to support its survival.  The good news is that VW revived the Scirocco name for the European market back in 2008, so maybe, just maybe, the Corrado can make its way back also.  The car market is different now in the US, with buyers who are realizing the value of having a nimble little hatch that can move people and some stuff while performing well and only sipping gasoline.  In the meantime, a Corrado is a rare little beast among the automotive animals you’re likely to see while out and about.  This makes it collectible and valuable.  Should you have a chance to get your hands on one, you should give it serious consideration. Get a Corrado in good shape for a good price, and it may prove to be a good investment.

Car On A Stick: The ill-fated Porsche 914

Traveling on 94 near the Northern border of Minneapolis, a glance to the West will provide a view of  today’s vehicle: Car On A Stick.  I don’t know who put it there or why, but judging by the bible verse cited on the door, I’m going to go with religious motivation as an explanation.

Lets take a closer look at Car On A Stick.  For starters, this car has a name:  It is a Porsche 914.  These little go-getters were sold between 1970-1976 and were the product of a collaboration between Volkswagen and Porsche.  Originally, the plan was to sell the 4 cylinder version as a VW and the 6 cylinder version as a Porsche.  That plan was scrapped for the US market and they were all Porsches instead.  The choice of engine remained, minus the badge engineering, so you could get either a 1.7L flat 4 (boxer type engine like the one discussed in the Subaru post a while back) that made 79HP and 98 lb ft of torque, or a 2.0L flat 6 (also boxer style) that made 106HP and 116 lb ft of torque.

These little cars were offered only as “Targa” topped vehicles.  Targa is a term trademarked by Porsche that refers to a quasi-convertible set up that features a removable roof panel and an integrated roll bar.  Not to be confused with a T-top.  Other manufacturers offer similar set ups with other names. 

The engine and drive train in a 914 is positioned in the middle of the car, right behind the driver and passenger.  There are other cars that offered this type of set up, like the Toyota MR2, the Pontiac Fiero, or the Fiat X1/9, which bears a striking resemblance to the Porsche 914, by the way.  This configuration is great from a handling and racing perspective, centering weight evenly and providing better traction to the drive wheels than a front engine-rear wheel drive design does.  The down side is that this can make the ride noisy and cramped for functional day to day stuff.

Brand new, the cost of these vehicles started around $3,500 and ended around $6,000 retail. These days, you can buy yourself a “project” grade 914 for around $1,200 on Ebay, or a restored, high quality example for around 10 times that amount.  

Doesn’t sound like a bad car, does it?  So what could this little Porsche possibly have done to deserve a fate like being turned into Car On A Stick along side the interstate?  For that inquiry, let’s examine the clues.  The bible verse referenced on the side of the car is Psalm 46:10, which, according to my google search is the following in the King James version of the bible:  “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the heathen.  I will be exalted in the earth.” 

So, is the Porsche being exalted to God-like status here?  Probably not.  The Porsche 914 was hardly exalted among Porsche aficionados, who didn’t care for its roots in collaboration between Porsche and what some felt was a lesser, not so elite company like VW.  This was back before VW owned a controlling share of Porsche, mind you, and Volkswagen is the “People‘s car“, whereas Porsches were certainly more exclusive in terms of who could afford to own one.  The 914 was often derisively referred to as the “VW Porsche 914“, and if you showed up at your local Porsche owner’s car club with one, you’d be considered small time, if not entirely dismissed for not owning something more purely Porsche.  It’s a crappy attitude to have about a car that’s frankly, quite cute.  At the same time, it is true that this car was originally dreamed up to be both VW and Porsche, and was meant to replace the Porsche 912 as well as the VW Karmann Ghia.   Those snooty Porsche purists weren’t totally off base with their scorn.  I think it’s safe to say that whoever made Car On A Stick was not trying to exalt the Porsche 914.

How about flipping it around and looking at the car as a way to exalt the biblical God?  Is this poor little 914 being held up to the heavens on a stick as an offering or sacrifice to God?  As sacrificial rituals go, I guess it wouldn’t be too strange considering they could be offering livestock or something instead, but what kind of God would demand the sacrifice of innocent Porsches?  And if one has to ask What Would Jesus Drive, a Porsche 914 is not what springs to my mind so much as some kind of Dodge product with its crosshair grill that is, of course, cross-like in appearance.

Then again, what if this Porsche isn’t so innocent?  Back when I was a kid in high school, I spotted a little yellow 914 parked in a VW repair shop lot on 2nd Ave, across the street from the place where I would later bring my MG for some electrical work.  The repair shop was licensed to sell cars as well, and the little Porsche was parked there for sale on consignment for one of the shop’s customers.  At the time, I was in love with the idea of tinkering around on one of these, and had started saving up some money from my job at the mall to try to get it.  I talked to my dad about it finally, because I wasn’t old enough to sign any paperwork to take ownership, and he put the kibosh on the whole idea, saying there was a good likelihood that the car was a basket case, and even if it wasn’t, I could still count on having it be less than reliable.  That was that. 

So, perhaps this little 914 let its owner down one too many times and was nominated as sacrificial Car On A Stick to atone for its break downs and unreliable nature.  That just seems so harsh though.  Could you imagine if everybody did something like that when their cars acted up too often?  My MG would have been kabobbed dozens of times over by now for all the misery it likes to impart! 

And who is that hanging out of the top of the 914?  A mannequin to be sure… or the best job of hiding a body in plain sight ever! -and really, would you put murder past the type of person who could be so cruel to such a cute little Porsche?  I wouldn’t.  Let’s just say though, that it’s a dummy, which it probably is.  Does the dummy represent the “heathen” mentioned in the biblical passage: “I will be exalted among the heathen”?  But then why would the heathen be raised up to the sky?  He or she is not the one being exalted here.  I’ve never taken a poll or anything, but perhaps a 914 is considered the choice mode of conveyance among heathens… I don’t know.  This whole thing seems crazy to me, and a waste of a perfectly good little project Porsche. 

Every time I drive on 94, I feel a little pang of sorrow at the sight of this 914.  Car On A Stick, you have my pity.       

Jeep Grand Cherokee Cobra

For today’s vehicle, I present a homemade hybrid : the Jeep Grand Cherokee Cobra.  Of course, this isn’t any type of functional hybrid, but somebody took it upon themselves to appropriate some emblems from an SVT Cobra; two on the hatch, and one along each side of the vehicle on the front fenders for a total of four.  Somewhere in the world, there are probably four SVT Cobra owners scratching their heads and wondering who ran off with the grill ornaments from their cars.

My guess would be that the owner of this vehicle just likes the look of the cobra emblem and has no clue what it signifies other than a mean looking snake.  But would it be so bad to have a crossover vehicle combining these two very different vehicles?

Let’s start with the Jeep.  The Grand Cherokee was first sold as a 1993 model, but this one is from the years between 1999-2004.  We’ll even it out and call this a 2000 model to make things easy. The standard engine on a 2000 model was a 4.0L in line 6 cylinder that made 195HP and 230 lb ft of torque and was paired with a 4 speed automatic transmission.  You could buy one for around $27,000 and had a choice between rear wheel drive and 4x4. 

To keep things fair, let’s use a 2000 Ford SVT Cobra R for comparison.  It came with a 5.4L V8 tuned for 385HP and 385 lb ft of torque and a 6 speed manual transmission driving the car forward via rear wheel drive. 

Clearly, the Cobra is more powerful, but the Grand Cherokee does have some off road chops.  Seems like it might be kind of fun to combine the traits that these two vehicles offer.  What would you end up with if you combined the two?  Probably something like the Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT-8 that came out in 2005 with a 6.1L Hemi V8 stuffed under its hood with 420HP.  Better yet, take a look at the 2014 SRT-8 Jeep Grand Cherokee packs 470HP and 465 lb ft of torque courtesy of its 6.4L Hemi V8 and has a 5 speed automatic transmission that is probably overdue for a upgrade, it‘s 4x4 only with no rear wheel drive option.  It’s better suited for road driving than off roading, but can take on both in a hurry.  Maybe the guy who slapped some Cobra badges on his Jeep was onto something.      

350Z vs. Litterbug Bus

Today’s car is this Nissan 350Z that I let in line in front of me on my way to the grocery store today.  The 350Z is a rear wheel drive sports car that was sold for a span of 6 years starting in 2003, at which point it was updated and renamed the 370Z.  Nissan has a history of offering “Z” type sports cars dating back to 1969 when the original Z car was sold in Japan under the name of the Nissan Fairlady Z.  This same car was exported as a Datsun 240Z.  As time passed and the cars were remodeled and improved, the name changed to 260Z, to 280Z, to 300Z.  That’s where the pattern of upping the number by 20 changes and it jumps to 350Z, which is what we have here.  The car is now on its 6th generation as the 370Z. 

The 350Z originally came with a 3.5L V6 that produced 287 HP and 274 lb ft of torque.  Those figures changed as the model years wore on, topping out at 306 HP and 268 lb ft of torque in the last year of manufacturing before the 370Z came along.  The 3.5 might give you some idea of why they opted to change their numbering system and jump to 350 in front of that Z.  Likewise, the 370Z has a 3.7L V6.. Convenient, eh?

There’s a different reason why I chose to feature this car today, though, and it has little to do with the car itself.  After this Nissan got in front of me, we both got stuck at a stoplight behind some cars and the big, yellow bus you can see in the photo.  While waiting for the light to change, one of the little high school kids on the bus chucked a plastic drink cup out the window onto the ground.  Next thing I knew, a middle aged guy wearing a Minnesota Twins jersey hops out of the Nissan, strides over and snatches up the cup, then storms up to the bus and throws the cup back in the window at the little asshole who threw it out in the first place.  Of course, the little jerk threw the cup right back out at him, but by then the light had changed and the guy was on his way back to his car.  I applauded him from my vehicle. 

Shortly after that, I turned off to go to the store, but last I saw, the guy in the Nissan was following behind the bus.  I’d be willing to bet that he gets out and talks to the driver next time that bus stops.  It’s a shame that the kid who threw the cup out the window seems to think its funny to trash stuff, but I’m sure peer pressure played a role.  Kids seem to do progressively dumber things depending on just how large their group is.  Take a whole bus load of them, and the collective IQ probably plummets to dangerously stupid levels. 

So that’s why I chose this car.  Don’t get me wrong, Nissan Z cars are neat automobiles, and I’ll probably explore them more in depth some other time.  For today, this car gets a starring role in my post thanks to the guy behind its wheel and his willingness to get out of his car when it‘s raining to toss trash back at some litterbugs.  Hats off to you, Nissan guy!   

The Tire Round-Up

I spent late yesterday morning at the one tire shop in the Minneapolis area that could get the tire I needed in stock without having to have it shipped in from out of state.  I ended up in a first ring suburb so close that they list their address as Minneapolis, though they are not technically in Minneapolis city proper, but rather, in St. Anthony.  At least I didn’t have to drive very far to get my tire.  I view of that, I thought a good topic for today would be tires. 

Tires are a part of the car that doesn’t get much thought usually until something goes wrong.  Then, they become very important to whether or not you can even drive your automobile.  To that end, I wandered around the Goodyear shop where I was actually buying a Dunlop tire (they’re owned by Goodyear), and took some photos of the different tires they had on display so we could take a look at them today.

We’ll begin with a quick discussion of tire size.  If you’ve ever looked closely at your tires, you’ve probably seen something that looks similar to the close up photo I’ve got posted.  “P265/75R16”.  What does that mean?  Lets break it down.
*The “P” stands for “passenger car”, other designations would include “LT” for light truck, “T” for “Temporary” -you’ll see this on your space saver spares, or “ST” for “special trailer”
*The next 3 digits, in this case “265” tell you the width of the tire from side wall to side wall in millimeters.  This number is also called the “nominal section width”
*The “/” mark is just to break things up a bit.
*The 2-3 digit number, “75” in this case, indicates the height of the sidewall of the tire as a percentage of the total width of it, also called the “aspect ratio”.  If your tire doesn’t have one of these numbers, then you can assume your aspect ratio is the default 82%, and if there’s a number here that’s bigger than 200, then it’s indicating the diameter of the tire instead of the aspect ratio. 
*The “R” signifies how the tire is constructed.  Tires have cords that run through them within the rubber to give structure and stability, kind of like rebar in concrete.   In this case, R means radial, which is what most cars use nowadays and means that the cords run parallel to each other.  Radials tend to last longer and stay cooler. Other letters you might see would be “B” for Bias Ply, which means that the cords are at an angle relative to each other as they overlap their piles of reinforced rubber… it’s kind of the same thing as “D” for Diagonal ply. 
*The 2 digit number, in this case “16” implies what size rim that tire fits on. 

Now that we’ve had a refresher in our tire talk code, let’s look at some tires.

First, we have the snow tire.  Goodyear is comparing tires to shoes in their marketing material, and it’s not a bad way to explain stuff when you’re trying to give people an idea of what’s what.  Thus the “snow shoe” graphic on the display.  The deal with snow tires is that the material they’re made of is formulated differently than summer or all season tires.  They’re softer, and don’t stiffen up as much as other tires when the temperature plummets, so they can still provide excellent grip in cold conditions.  The sipes -the itty bitty grooves that crisscross the tire- are more plentiful than on other tires, and, along with the design of the tread grooves (bigger grooves than the sipes),  are designed to bite and claw through snow and ice.  You don’t want to use your snow tires in summer because the rubber is very soft, and you’ll wear them out quickly… though you’ll get some good, sticky grip and traction while doing it.

 

A summer tire has larger tread blocks (the spaces between the tread grooves) than a winter tire, and is made of a stiffer rubber that isn’t going to be much good to you in snow and ice.  The tread grooves are wide and often designed to fling rain water from their paths.  These can also be called performance tires in some cases.  Here is where you’ll see a lot of directional rotation tires, meaning that they’re designed to only roll one way, which gives you more precise performance, but also means your options are limited when rotating them unless you want to take them all the way off and have them remounted on their rims.  Directional rotation tires aren’t limited to summer tires, though generally, they‘ll be some type of performance tire.  My snow tires are directional rotation tires, as are my summer tires. The photo I have is a computer generated image that the store uses for promotion, but it’s a good illustration of a directional rotation performance tire.

There is also a more extreme tire called the Racing slick.  It has no tread blocks because it has no grooves or sipes.  This tire is for racing applications and provides 100% contact between the rubber and the road.  You don't want to use these for driving in rainy or icy weather unless you really like hydroplaning.

 An All Season tire is expected to do it all, so you can also expect some compromise.  The grooves and tread blocks are sized in between summer and winter designs, and their formulation is at a middle ground, too.  All season tires don’t really give you the best of both worlds so much as they give you the mediocre of all worlds.  Depending on how extreme your driving conditions are, this could be a happy medium or a miserable middle ground.  Most cars you’d buy new from a manufacturer will come with all season tires.

When we move into larger vehicle territory, we start to see work truck tires and tires that tout some off road capability.  The more aggressive work truck tires would likely be seen mounted on a vehicle that’s hauling stuff around a construction site.  Take a look at those chunky, nubby tread blocks and the massive relief between the grooves and the peak of the blocks.  They give excellent grip and bite on the dirt and gravel surfaces they are expected to traverse, but the ride quality is miserable. 

 For SUVs and non heavy duty work type applications, you’d get a tire that imparts a smoother ride quality but can also get some grip if you happen to stray from the beaten path. 

Tires can make a huge difference in the ride and handling of a vehicle.  Next time you have to buy new tires, take the time to really consider what you’re after.  Buying the least expensive ones, or tires with the highest mile warranty on them may seem like a money saving way to go, but it may also compromise your vehicle’s performance, so keep that in mind.

Odyssey: The Mythical Minivan

Today I bring you a pair of minivans positioned on either side of the street like the mythical Scylla and Charybdis (if you stayed awake for your world literature class in school, you’ll recall that Scylla and Charybdis are mythical sea monsters who occupied either side of a water passage in Homer’s Iliad).  Like in the Iliad, to avoid one, you’d have to get close to the other and vice versa.  …But that’s all wrong, because these Minivans come from the sequel to Homer’s Iliad.  These are Odyssey minivans made by Honda and named after Homer’s Odyssey. -Hmmm, Honda-Homer, Homer-Honda, and they both have Odysseys, how coincidental!  And, unlike Scylla and Charybdis, these minivans aren’t likely to wreck your car as you navigate the street in between them… unless you’re an exceptionally lousy driver. 

So, lets talk a bit about the Odyssey -Homer’s, that is.  The Odyssey is named for its principal character, Odysseus (or if you want to get all Roman about it, Ulysses) who, when our story starts, is still not back at home in Ithaca 10 years after wrapping up that whole Trojan war business from the Iliad.  He’s being held on an island called Ogygia by a Nymph named Calypso who just can’t bear to part with the guy, even though he’d rather not be there. 

Meanwhile, back in Ithaca, Odysseus’ wife, Penelope, who most people are pretty sure is now an unconfirmed widow,  is fending off a boorish pack of suitors who are angling for all the land and riches that Penelope and Odysseus own.  They’re hanging around Penelope’s place, feasting and partying, and generally blowing through much of Penelope and Odysseus’ wealth with their occupation of the estate.  Penelope and Odysseus’ son is grown now and isn’t too happy about the whole thing, but can’t do much about it.

Time for some divine interference, though.  Enter the goddess Athena, who starts disguising herself as various people and working behind the scenes to help Odysseus and his family. She gets Hermes to convince Calypso to let Odysseus build a boat to sail home, because when you’re stuck on an island, having a minivan -even a Honda Odyssey- doesn’t do you much good if you need to cross the sea to get somewhere. 

So, Odysseus builds himself a boat and sets sail.  Problem is, Odysseus has made some enemies with all his warring and what not, including the father of a Cyclopes named Polyphemus who is pretty pissed off about Odysseus poking out his son’s one good eye.  Just so happens that Polyphemus’ dear old dad is Poseidon, god of the sea.  You can see how this bitter resentment might not bode well for somebody who is trying to take a boat trip.  Sure enough, Poseidon sends a massive storm that ravages Odysseus’ boat.  Thankfully, the gods who don’t bear a grudge against Odysseus intervene and he survives the storm ,washing ashore on a land called Scheria.  Here, the royal family takes him in and eventually discovers who he is, at which point, they help him get back home to Ithaca. 

But, all is still not well in Ithaca.  After all, Odysseus’ house is still occupied by a bunch of ill-mannered moochers.  Odysseus is in disguise so nobody aside from his son knows it’s really him (Homer seemed to like situations where his characters were all incognito -I’m not sure why), and he takes part in an archery competition that his wife Penelope (who suspects that the stranger is in fact her husband) set up, with the grand prize being her hand in marriage.  He wins the competition and proceeds to shoot the rest of the suitors with his bow and arrow.  He ends up in a confrontation with the families of these suitors later, but after that, all is well in Ithaca, and the Odyssey draws to a close.

We’ve already established that the Honda Odyssey is probably no good for crossing water, but had Odysseus been able to get his hands on one in his story, he probably could have shortened Homer’s epic by quite a few pages just by speeding up his mode of transport over land.  He could have used the Odyssey to tow the Trojan horse into the city of Troy, even.  After all, it does have a 3,500 pound towing capacity, though he‘d have to spring for an extra $936 for the trailer hitch add-on, plus another $15 for a 2“ hitch ball. 

I took a gander at the Honda website, and it seems that for an extra $174 on top of the $210 for the roof rack and another $163 for the cross bars, Odysseus could have his Honda Odyssey outfitted with a kayak attachment, which would have given him some sea-going capability -maybe even enough to get off Calypso‘s island.  And you know, with all his warring and battling, and blinding of Cyclopes, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Odysseus to pop for the on board First Aid Kit option for an extra $31.  Since he’s kind of roughing it anyway, he might as well throw in the $382 tent option that gives him a special camping tent that pops out and attaches to the back of the van.  Considering these Odyssey minivans cost between $28,675 and $44,025 before one starts to add on all the stuff I just wrote about (the price range reflects the array of trim levels available), it’s probably a good thing those suitors who were mooching off Odysseus’ estate didn’t blow through all his wealth, because these things can get a bit spendy.

What does Odysseus get in the minivan that is his name sake?  Well, all trim levels of the 2013 Odyssey feature a 3.5L V6 engine that cranks out 248 HP and 250 lb ft of torque, and provides fuel economy of 18/27 MPG city/hwy.  That seems a bit weak to me, and certainly not befitting of a warrior like Odysseus who is already having to overcome the whole soccer mom stigma of driving a minivan in the first place.  Consider an engine discussed in a past post about the Ford Taurus SHO, which also has a 3.5L V6 engine -only with the addition of twin turbos (Ford has termed this “Ecoboost“) that whip up 365 HP and 350 lb ft of torque at the same time as they provide 17/25 MPG -and that‘s with AWD too!.  Even a regular Taurus 3.5 V6 without the turbo can make 288 HP and 254 lb ft of torque while providing 19/29MPG.  To be fair though, we are comparing a minivan with a sedan here.  When we move into the Ford Flex, which is a wagon/minivan/crossover vehicle of similar size to the Odyssey, those same engine specs apply, but MPG does suffer from the added weight (16/23 MPG for the Ecoboost with AWD, and 18/25 for the naturally aspirated version).

Odysseus also gets front wheel drive -only.  There is no AWD option for the Odyssey, so lets hope that Odysseus can avoid having to do too much off roading or traversing of tough terrain, because his minivan can’t handle that stuff well.  He does get a 21 gallon fuel tank, so he could get a travel range of up to 567 miles… oh, but wait, there were no highways back in ancient times, and nothing at all when we’re talking myths.  Better stick to the city driving MPG estimates, which knock him down to a range of 378 miles.  But for those 378 miles, he can haul lots of stuff or lots of friends.  Odysseus’ minivan has nearly 150 cubic feet of cargo capacity.  If he ever wanted to build another Trojan horse, he could sure use his van to haul the lumber for it.

Lastly, Odysseus would get mad respect for his ride from the minivan sect.   I am told by minivan people (friends with kids) and my own sister that a Honda Odyssey is considered the crème de la crème of the minivan world.  Who knew?  I look at the thing and see a grocery-gettin’, kid haulin’, toddler totin’ soccer mom mobile, but to people with kids or crap to haul around, the Odyssey is an object of envy and desire.  Looks like Odysseus can hold his mythical head up high and proud for having this vehicle named after him after all.

The Maverick -a pretty good car before all the BS ruined the name.

Today’s car is (likely) a 1976 Ford Maverick sedan I spotted parked at a muffler shop in the burbs.  Mavericks were made from 1969-1977 and were a rear wheel drive compact entry-level vehicle that was originally offered only in a 2 door configuration.  The Maverick replaced the Falcon in the Ford line up, and was offered in colors with names like “Anti-Establish Mint” -which is what is pictured here.  There were other fun names, like Hula Blue, Freudian Gilt (a yellow-gold color), Thanks Vermilion (red), Dresden Blue, Gulf stream Aqua, Raven Black, Meadowlark Yellow, and Lime Gold.  Makes me wonder why car names and paint names aren’t so much fun anymore.  Ford does offer a green paint called “Lime Squeeze”, but it’s not a fun as “Anti-Establish Mint” green.

The Maverick cost around $2,000 brand new in 1970 and throughout its production run, was available with a variety of engines including a 3.3L in line 6 cylinder that made 81 HP and 151 lb ft of torque, a 4.1L in line 6 cylinder good for 87 HP and 187 lb ft of torque, and a 5.0L V8 that made 138 HP and 245 lb ft of torque.   

Maverick is a good name for a car.. Or it was, anyway.  The term was used by ranchers to refer to a cow that was unbranded or didn’t run with the herd.  Thus, the rebellious paint names, like Anti-Establish Mint.  This car came out a few years after the introduction of the Mustang -arguably the best named car ever.  But don’t look for Ford to revive this name plate, because the term Maverick was pretty much ruined a few years back during election season when Sarah Palin overused and abused it.  In fact, the Urban Dictionary defines the term Maverick as “A throwaway word used by Sarah Palin when she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.”  If Maverick means unbranded cattle, then the only connection I could see to Palin would be in how much bullshit she spouts.

Mavericks didn’t stick around for too long, though they had a good run at first.  I tend to think of them as the less charismatic younger sibling of the Mustang.  But, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get one if you were looking to build yourself a muscle car.  They provide a good platform for modifications and upgrades, and they’re not too bad looking.  In fact,  for a brief while, the Maverick was offered with a “Grabber” package that included the following:
-a 200 cu in I6 engine (the 3.3L mentioned earlier) with an option to upgrade to the 250 cu in I6.
-Black painted hood stripes and grille
-Side body stripes
-14” rims w/ trim rings
-Dual racing mirrors
-Decklid spoiler
-3 speed manual transmission
-Black vinyl interior
-And your choice of 5 grabber colors:  Grabber Blue, Grabber Orange, Grabber Green, Vermillion, and Bright Yellow.  These are all very vivid colors.

Later Grabber packages changed things up to include white bodies with grabber colored stripes, or nearly two tone paint jobs with grabber colors and white.
The thing about the Maverick is that it’s a decent looking old car, and one that people didn’t particularly treasure, so there aren’t too many of them surviving to this day.  They’re very easily modifiable, and if you tune one up, you’ll have a nice, fast little car that will stand out among the sea of vintage Mustangs and Camaros you’re likely to see at Rod and Custom shows.  I’d aim for a Grabber Maverick to start with -don‘t get a sedan. 
I did a bit of looking online for Mavericks, and found that you can get a junked out or rusted out old beater version for around $1,000, and on Ebay, one can buy a decent, well preserved example for around $6,000-$7,000 on up to Autotrader asking prices of over $10,000.  If you’ve already got an engine and transmission sitting around waiting to be used, and a lot of time and patience on your hands, then one of the old beaters might not be a bad choice, provided you pull it from a rust-free area like Arizona or something.  Otherwise, starting off with a nicer one for a bit more money will probably save you cash in the long run and give you a more complete car to start with.    

Scrapper Trucks -not just eyesores, but tire-wrecking trashmobiles.

Originally, I had plans to post about other subject matter, but then I realized that my tire was flat.  So, today, I’m going to talk about a type of vehicle that I dislike, the Scrapper Truck.  Sure, scrappers probably see themselves as performing some type of valuable service while lining their pockets with money that they get from going around in rusted out, smog-coughing, muffler-less old wrecks scavenging metal. What I see is the cause of all the little bits of metal and debris that fall from their over spilling, oversized loads onto the roadway.  I don’t mind if somebody wants to take some metal out of the garbage, though there won’t really be any there, because I recycle.. I do mind when they steal from the recycling bin.  That stuff is for my city’s recycling program, not them, and it means that the recycling program, which provides jobs and benefits to city workers loses tens of thousands of dollars in metal recycling materials each year.  One can only hope that the city tries to make that up via citations under ordinance code 169.81.5 for “vehicle load not properly secured” -mentioned in a previous post about citations.  Maybe having to pay out a $138 fine would discourage scrappers from overloading their rust-bombs to the point that it spews bits and pieces all over the road.

I also mind when scrappers come into people’s private yards and snatch up their BBQ grills, their kid’s bikes, and/or their patio furniture… or in my case last year, the lady who climbed up into my yard and stole my house’s wrought iron flower boxes (it cost $1,600 to have new ones made and installed!).  I say, F-you to scrappers because anything they do that’s good for the environment would have been done anyway, and without having so much crap stolen and damaged.  Just look at what happened to my tire!  I’ve highlighted the area on one photo where a jagged piece of metal sliced into my tread, and zoomed in on the next one.  I’m pretty sure that itty bitty metal shard was one of the pieces of debris I noticed on the road the other day and commented about to my brother who was with me in the car.  Moments later, I caught up with the source of that debris: the overflowing scrapper truck I even took a picture of.  I ought to track the guy down and demand he compensate me for the tire, but he’d probably pay me in aluminum cans yanked from people’s recycling, or pilfered copper piping freshly hack-sawed from somebody’s house. 

The tire is ruined, which super sucks to the tune of about $300.  Like I’ve said in previous posts, Z rated tires don’t come cheap.  But, if anybody has a line on a good price for some decent 235/50ZR18 tires, let me know.  Thing is, just last Friday, I had my winter tires swapped off my car for my summer tires.  My Dunlop WinterSport M3 winter tires are actually more expensive than the set I run in summer, so I suppose I should count myself lucky that it wasn’t one of them.

Better yet, when I pulled off the road into a parking lot to change my tire, I had 7 different guys come up offer to help me change the tire, when clearly, I was doing okay by myself.  That’s fine, I don’t really resent people being helpful, but it seems odd that so many people assume that an able bodied person would need assistance changing a flat.  I mean, jeez!  It’s a task that can be performed with rudimentary tools at the side of the road, how hard could it be?

There was one guy who did annoy me though.  He came up while I was hunched over, loosening lug nuts, getting my knees all muddy from the rain and dirt on the ground, and said “Baby, where your boyfriend at to help you change that?”  I replied “He would only get in my way.”  because the last thing you want to tell some sleazy guy with a line like that is that you don’t have a boyfriend.  He nudged the spare tire that was sitting on the ground with his toe and came back at me with “I’ll get down and dirty wit-choo”, so I gripped my little tire iron, stood up and smiled, then employed my stern voice, saying “I got this, thanks.”  He finally took the hint and walked on toward the liquor store across the street from where I had stopped.  Good riddance.   After that a lady in an SUV parked next to me and rolled down her window to say “Girl, you remind me of myself, doing that!”, then proceeded to carry on a conversation on her mobile phone while watching me change the tire.  If not for people pestering me while I was trying to take care of the problem, I probably could have finished in half the time it took me.  It wasn’t too stressful when all was said and done, but I definitely could have done without it.  Later, I tried to cheer myself up with a cherry limeade from Taco Bell -it didn’t work, but it tasted good.  So, word to the wise, stay clear of those scrapper trucks.  Go ahead and call them in when you see them maneuvering around on city streets with lawnmowers, fridges, pipes and debris balanced precariously in a pile in the bed of the truck, because the next tire that runs flat as a result of the crap that falls off their trucks could be yours.             

Donks, Boxes, Bubbles, and rattling window panes.

You know what the best indication is that spring and sunshiny weather are underway?  It’s not the sound of birds chirping or kids playing.  In my neighborhood, it’s the sound of my window panes rattling in their frames as somebody with amped up subwoofers is stopped at the traffic light outside of my house trying to shake every last nut and bolt off their car using sonic force.  Sometimes the vehicles that are the source of all the noise are just boring old everyday cars, but other times, they are pretty remarkable machines.  I don’t care for the disruptive sounds they make, but outwardly, they do make a statement. 

For today’s post, we’re going to talk about that staple of the Northside roadway (for you local folks, but these cars are pretty much everywhere that isn’t rural), the Donk.  Of course, one can have a Donk without having an obnoxious sound system, but more often than not, the two go hand in hand.

Donk is a term that can be generically applied to any car with huge rims mounted on it.  If you want to get more exact though, a Donk is usually a large car that predates the 1980’s, a Box would be an angular, geometric 80’s era car, and a Bubble would be a 90’s era car with rounded out lines -all mounted on large rims, and often times, Chevrolets.

When a donk has to have a lift kit added in order to accommodate the outsized rims, it’s called a hi-riser. -I don’t have a photo of that for you.  Here’s what I do have, though:



This is not a Donk because it doesn’t have huge rims, but it is the right era body style Chevy for being a Donk

 This is a Box style Donk

 This is the stolen 90’s model Impala that somebody ditched in the alley next to my garage a while back.  If it ever had huge rims, they’ve long since been stolen -along with much of the interior and the hood.. But this would be a Bubble style Donk if it had big rims.

Donks, Boxes and Bubbles are typically inexpensive, mid to full sized American made cars. It's easy to find parts and accessories for them, and cheap to get ahold of them, leaving plenty of options for custom configurations, and plenty of money left in the budget to spend on rims (that are often times worth more than the car itself).  Whether you like or dislike the look of the Donk, they are undeniably attention grabbing, and a fun medium for self expression through automotive means.  They're definitely not practical, but I get a kick out of seeing them around my neighborhood.

Buying a new car

Springtime is finally here to stay, it seems.  Folks are out and about in their cars with the windows rolled down to enjoy the breeze.  That means they’ll also hear any strange sounds their car has started to make now that they’re not isolated in their enclosed passenger compartment.  For some, this means a trip to the mechanic, or getting out their own tools to fix things. Other people weigh their options, considering how old their vehicle is, how many miles it’s got piled on the odometer, and what type of a return they can expect to get on investing in repairs before something else goes horribly wrong.  Sometimes, these people decide to just throw in the towel and buy a newer car. 

It just so happens that springtime is also when loads of shiny new cars are stocked up for sale at car dealerships. Nice weather means more sales.  For today’s topic, I’m going to write a bit about buying a car from a dealer. 

First, you need to identify a car that you want.  If you have no idea, a sales person can help you.  If, however, you get some sales person who insists on money down before they’ll show you anything or let you get behind the wheel, you need to just turn and walk away -it is acceptable to scoff first, if you feel like doing so, but then just shake your head and bid them adieu.  That’s a red flag that you don’t want to be dealing with that sales person.  A good sales person will be happy to let you take out a couple of their vehicles and can tell you all about them, too. 

A test drive isn’t just about taking a car out to see how fast it goes or how well it can corner (on two wheels).  You need to get a feel for the vehicle.  After all, the car you’re testing could be your next major investment, and you’ll probably spend a decent sized portion of your lifetime inside that thing. When you’re behind the wheel, feel around.  Are controls in places where you would easily be able to find and use them?  Is the layout of the dash intuitive?  Does the car seem to meld to you as an extension of your own body?  Does the car have the features you want?  It’s hard not to be dazzled by new cars with their ever-evolving technologies, but don’t let impressive new stuff blind you to function.  Touch screen displays look cool, but if you have to use one to adjust your stereo or climate conrol, you’ll  quickly hate having to take your eyes off the road to mess with that instead of just operating it via a big, easy to find knob or dial that lets you adjust settings based on feel and muscle memory. 

Features are an important part of car ownership.  You can skimp and save some cash by skipping the heated seats or some other creature comfort, but things like that make the time you spend in that vehicle more enjoyable, more tolerable, and more comfortable.  If there’s one thing you really want on a new car, but you can only get it by purchasing an expensive package upgrade, there’s a good chance that the dealership’s aftermarket department can hook you up for less money. 

Here’s something else, too: the leather upholstery that an aftermarket department can install in your car is usually a higher quality and more durable leather than most car manufacturers use for their factory option leather.  Don’t be afraid to sit down with the aftermarket person and put together your own trim package.  Heated seats too..  Most factory seat heaters have maybe three settings, but aftermarket kits can be installed with butt and back heat elements and 10 settings to more perfectly match the temperature you want.  Need a roof rack?  See what it would cost to add it on and roll that in with the price.  At least then, with aftermarket stuff installed at the dealership, you know it’s getting installed correctly and in a way that’s not going to void any warranties the car comes with. 

Aftermarket stereos are a gray area for me.  On one hand, you can get a custom sound system for a good price, but the downside is that an aftermarket stereo is waaaaay more likely to be stolen out of your car than a factory set up.  If you like a good sound system but don’t want some dirtbag smashing out your window and tearing your center stack apart, springing for the premium factory sound system might be your best option.  There’s some wiggle room on aftermarket pricing too, so if there’s a car that you like, but for some options you wish it had, don’t commit to it before talking to the aftermarket people (every dealership has them and they can put stuff on their new and used cars).  My point is, get the options you want in your car right away.  Every time you use that seat heater, crank up that THX certified sound system, or crack open that sun roof, you’ll be glad you got what you wanted.

The most important thing to think about when buying a car is this:  What is it worth to you?  NOT “what’s the cheapest price I can get this car for?”, and not “did so-and-so get a better deal than I got?”  The best way to avoid buyer’s remorse and vehicular resentment is to do your research ahead of time and go into the dealership with a number in your mind of what that car is worth to you.  How much money would you part with to have a car that makes you happy and proud?  How much to have things that are useful and comfortable?  What is the worth of having the capabilities that the vehicle you’re looking at offers?  It’s hard to put a number on emotions, sensations, and hypothetical uses, but you need to do it. 

When you’re negotiating, go ahead and let the sales person and the aftermarket person know what you’re after.  Cut to the chase and tell them what you want.  Be blunt, but understand that they aren’t about to take a loss on a vehicle for you.  They have expenses and employees to pay, so they do need to make some profit off you.. Hopefully not too much, though.  Go ahead and tell them: “I really like this car, but I wish it had X, Y, and Z.  If you can put together a deal for me where I can have this car and the things I want added to it for $XX,XXX, then I’ll be happy to buy it from you” (if you’re financing, then make sure to add that this is contingent on financing, and what APR you’ll be dealing with). 

Financing too, has some wiggle room.  Dealerships have in house financing people, and they shop you around to lenders to get a loan with a low APR, but they too need to get paid, so they add some points in on that for themselves.  You can get them to drop one or two of their points if they think the deal will fall apart without it.  After all, a smaller piece of something is better than a big piece of nothing.  So, after you’ve agreed to a price in exchange for the car you want with the options you want on it, that’s when you start fretting about the APR -I mean, don’t really worry about it, after all, you can always walk away from the deal, but fret for the benefit of the sales person, their manager, and the finance person.  Don’t get grumpy, but rather, act hopeful that you can put this deal together, and Gosh! Wouldn’t it just be an awful deal breaker if the APR is higher than what you’d be comfortable paying. 

In fact, it’s not a bad idea to act a bit disappointed with the first APR that’s presented to you.  If you brought a friend with you to the dealership, that’s the time to crease your brow and tell the sales person that you just don’t know about that APR and want to consult your friend.  Then, walk over to the coffee maker/magazine/waiting area and don’t overdo it, but make a show of shaking your head and shrugging like there’s just nothing to be done, and you’re oh so disappointed about it all while your friend tries to console you and tell you that there are other cars at other dealerships, and perhaps today is just not the day for you to buy a car, etc. You may find that suddenly, the finance person has just found out that there’s a late-comer to the lending game who has an APR that just happens to be a point or two lower than what they just told you was the best loan they could find for you.  Amazing how that works! 

Depending on what time of year you’re buying, you may get a better deal, particularly on new vehicles.  Those sales can vary quite a bit depending on what manufacturer incentives are available at any given time.  Typically, fall or winter is a good time to buy, because that’s when the next year’s models are hitting the show room floor in droves, and dealers will want rid of the current year’s stock.  With a few exceptions, your average new car sale is going to be what’s called a “mini” for the sales person.  That means that there isn’t enough meat left on the bone after all is said and done to really make all that work worth the time and effort so it’s a flat $100 commission for the sales person.  Typically, a sales person will get a monthly draw of anywhere from around $1,200-1,800, and they get to keep 25% of the profits (the difference between what the dealership is into the car for vs. what it sold for) of each sale.  Initially, that 25% goes toward repaying the draw.  That percentage increases by one or two points depending on the number of cars the sales person has sold so far that month.  On a mini deal, the profit margin is under $400, so in order to even keep a sales person interested in making that sale, they get a flat $100 or so for their trouble.  Mini deals suck, but there are a lot more of them than you’d think, and most of them involve brand new cars.  Trucks, however, are a different story, and in fact, the very first vehicle I ever sold, my first day on the floor was a loaded up dual-wheel F-350 truck that netted me about $1,100 right off the bat.  Later that same day, I sold another brand new car, but that ended up being a mini deal and only got me $100

I once dealt with a couple who, after the deal was signed and closed, told me the strategy they came in with.  Their plan was that the first 2 times I came back at them with a counteroffer, the wife would start crying and bemoaning the fact that they just couldn’t afford this car she wanted so badly.  Well, it’s always good to have a plan, I guess.  Really though, a good deal can be had on a car with far less drama than that.  Hopefully, if you’re thinking of getting a new or newer ride, this post has given you a bit of insight and will help you to have a happier car buying experience.  

Beyond the bumper sticker: the significance of decals and stripes

Yesterday’s post featured a car with Le Mans racing stripes, so I thought today we’d have ourselves a little exploration into all these stripes and decals on cars.  Sometimes, decals are just for decoration or to advertise.  Additions like stripes and decals are often used to enhance the look of a vehicle.  Sometimes, you’ll see a pin stripe running down the length of a car just near the belt line to accent the shift in plane as the sheet metal work folds up and over at the fenders and transitions into windows at the passenger compartment.  Other times, decals are overwrought and just look horrible.  But did you know that some stripes and decals actually serve a function?

The little green Mustang featured in the photo is my old 6 cylinder pony.  It was painted a color called Electric Green that was only offered for a couple model years.  Regardless of whether or not you like the color, this car attracted lots of attention at the gas pump and while driving around.  Once, I was trying to park it in a lot near a car show in Des Moines, and the guys at the show waved me into the show grounds and told me to park it for display -mind you, we’re talking about a totally stock V6 Mustang that had a bullet hole/ding in the driver’s side door (which is how I learned the hard way not to do street parking in Minneapolis’ Northside).  There was nothing particularly special about this Mustang other than its paint and stripe, but when I was trying to leave that show, I had to shoo away a group of guys who had gathered at my car so I could get it out of the show grounds.  Elsewhere, people would frequently ask if it was a custom paint color, and one guy at the grocery store even hit me up for the paint code so he could have his box Chevy painted that same color.  I’ve seen other Electric Green Mustangs, but only one other time did I see one with a white rocker panel stripe like mine had.  That stripe makes a huge difference in how the green pops and is perceived by viewers.  With very vivid colors, I find that a contrasting rocker stripe can really enhance the look of the vehicle and keep the paint from being overwhelming.  Of course, in this case, the stripe is purely aesthetic.

Other types of decorative stripes would include what’s called a “hockey stripe”, like what you see in the photo of the red 1973 Mustang convertible.  It’s called a hockey stripe because it’s shaped like a hockey stick.  Like all other stripes, it can function to distinguish the look of a car from the others around it, but is otherwise decorative.

What about Le Mans stripes though?  They’re the ones that run over the top of the car from the front to the back and are also called racing stripes.  They came about in the 1952 Le Mans 24 hour race and were used by the Cunningham racing team to distinguish their cars.  Often times, racing teams would apply stripes like this to their vehicles to make them easy to spot on the track.  Le Mans stripes usually are centered on the hood of the car in a pair with a bit of space between them.  They had another function other than identifying the car at a distance, and that was to help the driver aim the vehicle around the track and quickly get back on course after a spin out that could discombobulate the driver. 

Stripes also offer a contrast, and were sometimes used to identify a racer’s country of origin.  When dealing with the “Code Sportif International” -or the International Sporting Code as we would say, nations were assigned colors for their vehicles.  For example, Red was for Italian cars, Green for British, Silver for German, White with blue stripes for the US (see the original mustang concept car from the Ford Museum in the photo) , and red with white stripes for Canada. 

You’ve probably seen stripes on street cars though.  They can signify a nod to racing heritage, and often people just get them because they look cool.  When a car with no performance modifications or high performance elements to it wears racing stripes, they’re called “Go Faster” stripes.  It’s kind of a condescending way to say the car is made to look fast but doesn’t have the goods to back it up. 

Another thing you’ll see often not just on race cars, but on tuner vehicles -sometimes called “boy racers” which are typically tuned up (or sometimes just made to look like they’re tuned up) imports or small cars -is a grocery style list of parts makers and brand names on the door of the car.  Usually, like with the blue Mitsubishi featured in the photo, this denotes what bits and pieces have been added to the vehicle to modify its performance, so you’ll see things like Borla (exhaust), Holley or Edelbrock (carburetors), or some performance tire manufacturers like Pirelli or Yokohama, etc.  Sometimes, this just denotes what stickers and decals the owner of the car managed to get their grubby little mitts on. 

Some other stripes you may see on cars would be a couple of small stripes on the driver’s side front fender of a car -usually right above the wheel well, like the white Corvette pictured (available for sale at Ellingson Classic Cars, BTW).  These were often used when a team had a few cars that were otherwise identical.  It made it easy to differentiate which car was which by applying different colored stripes to the fender.  It also made the car easier to recognize as it rolled in for a pit stop and served to indicate which side of the vehicle the steering wheel is on. 

I was trying to find a picture of a race car with rondels -the round white spots that adorn the hood or doors of a car and usually display that car’s racing number.  Rondels will sometimes be referred to as “Meatballs” or “Gumballs” due to their round shape.  Sometimes though, they’re square rather than round.  The best I could come up with is what’s pictured here, because apparently, I managed to delete a bunch of my car photos when I updated the operating system on my phone -bummer.

You’ve probably seen cars with all kinds of company names plastered all over them -like in NASCAR races.  And that’s just straight up advertising for companies that pay to sponsor the driver in exchange for exposure. 

Personally, I like it when I see people have added stripes or decals to their cars… even when done in poor taste, because it shows that they’ve made that car their own.  I don’t mind “go faster” stripes. To me, it’s all fun.  There is, however, something to be said for keeping a car stock, which shows respect for its original design and aesthetics.  So, as drivers start to pull their summer cars out of storage for the season, and you start to see them on the streets of wherever you are, we all know a bit more about why some of them look the way they do.